"He who offers the most hope has the most authority..."
I think one of the biggest things that bothers me about traditional evangelical child training methods - at least the ones propagated within my lifetime and the lifetime of my parents - is the emphasis that parents need to assert and hold onto their "authority." It's as though any mis-step means that the authority transfers to the children. The "specialists" seem to think that if you don't enforce your authority over your children then you are permissive and they will turn out bad. You can't, in the words of Dobson, ever let your child "win."
I think that parents know instinctively that they have a responsibility to protect their children - a responsibility to help them grow up to become (fill in the blank with character quality of your choice) adults. Since this is so instinctual we rarely question the idea that we are "authorities" over our children. Why would we? They were told to obey us, right?
I would like to come at this from a slightly different perspective. Drop the authority assumption and see what I can find in Scripture about it...
Romans 14:19 says "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."
That is my goal with working through this - peace, mutual edification. Not just between myself and my blog readers, but myself and my children and hopefully all parents and children.
When we break this down, the first thing I feel we must recognize is that children are people first. All people (the Muslims that hit the towers, your neighbor infringing on your lawn) are people first. All Christians (which we hope our children will be) are brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the eternal state of our relationship with our children. This is the bottom line.
With that as the bottom line, I need to acknowledge that children have just as much right to live with others treating them with the "one anothers" of Scripture.
For example:
Love one another
Be kind and compassionate to one another
Bear with one another
Forgive one another
Be devoted to to one another
Outdo one another in showing honor
Encourage one another
And, something from Hebrews that I believe is apropos to the conversation:
Hebrews 10: 24 and 25a - "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
We want to spur our children on toward love and good deeds - and there is no mention, at least not here, of spanking or holding your ground at all costs as a means of spurring on to good deeds. Instead, encouragement is mentioned. As an aside, how many times as an adult have you been motivated by another when they hit you or used physical violence or refused to listen? How many times have you been motivated by another when they used encouragement and kind words?
In the one anothers of Scripture there is nothing that talks about authority, nothing that encourages corporal punishment.
Even though this is the basis of our relationship with our children, and in my mind the most important part, we still need to look and see what Scripture says to parents and children.
As an aside, others have gone through the "rod" and "discipline" verses much more thoroughly than I ever could and have demonstrated (at least to my satisfaction) that they do not refer to spanking in the modern day sense. They are going to be left out of this discussion of authority, partially because they do not directly relate to authority and partially because they do not necessarily mean what is commonly believed.
Let's focus on the "household code" in Ephesians - chapter 6:1-4
First thing of note is that children are told to obey their parents in the Lord, to honor them. The promise of things going well and long life has always seemed to me to be a reference to how parents have much more life experience than their children and can show them the ways that will make their lives easier. I find it interesting that this promise is almost an explanation to children. One thing we were taught growing up is that Mom and Dad (especially Dad) are benevolent dictators and you do not need to question their reasoning. And yet, here in the 10 commandments, God provides a reason and a motivation for children to obey their parents.
The commandments to Fathers are to not exasperate, but to train and instruct. End story.
I did a word search for authority and for it's greek equivalent, exousia, and could not find any references to parents/children that involved the word authority.
Considering the above passage and the lack of authority mentioned in reference to parents and children, why are we so hung up on it? Is it Godly to be hung up on authority and who gets to be in charge, or is it because of our sinful nature that we are that way?
Sure, children are commanded to obey - and as we teach and instruct them that is one of the things we should teach and instruct. But are we ultimately responsible for enforcing their obedience by asserting our authority? Are we told in Scripture to enforce our authority? I am not convinced that we are. I find a lack of support for that idea in Scripture.
I have no problem with acknowledging that our responsibility for our children carries with it an aspect of authority - and I believe that authority is given by God.
I need to ask, when we disobey God, does that diminish His authority? Does it diminish His authority if He decides not to punish us, or even protects us from the consequences of our actions?
So when our children disobey, does it diminish our God given authority? Does it diminish our authority if we choose not to punish, or even protect our children from consequences?
Let me be clear - I am not advocating permissiveness. There is nothing wrong with saying no to your child. There is nothing wrong with laying clear boundaries. I lay boundaries with my children so they will be able to lay boundaries for themselves.
But do I feel like I must "win" or my authority is in question? I must "win" or else I am a bad parent?
Does God participate in stand-offs with us, His children, until He wins? Does He look at us continuously disobeying and say "I MUST WIN! Look at this, my children are making all these mistakes! I have to show them who is GOD!!!!!!"
That is absolutely totally ridiculous.
Jesus offered to us the most hope and the most love. And He had ultimate authority. His authority was genuine authority - one that does not need to assert itself. One that does not lord it over others. One that does not exasperate. His authority does not involve punishing His children - it involved TAKING their punishment for them.
If Jesus is our ultimate example in parenting, as in all areas of life, I must ask again...
WHY are we so obsessed with enforcing our authority and making sure no one takes it from us?
I think one of the biggest things that bothers me about traditional evangelical child training methods - at least the ones propagated within my lifetime and the lifetime of my parents - is the emphasis that parents need to assert and hold onto their "authority." It's as though any mis-step means that the authority transfers to the children. The "specialists" seem to think that if you don't enforce your authority over your children then you are permissive and they will turn out bad. You can't, in the words of Dobson, ever let your child "win."
I think that parents know instinctively that they have a responsibility to protect their children - a responsibility to help them grow up to become (fill in the blank with character quality of your choice) adults. Since this is so instinctual we rarely question the idea that we are "authorities" over our children. Why would we? They were told to obey us, right?
I would like to come at this from a slightly different perspective. Drop the authority assumption and see what I can find in Scripture about it...
Romans 14:19 says "Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification."
That is my goal with working through this - peace, mutual edification. Not just between myself and my blog readers, but myself and my children and hopefully all parents and children.
When we break this down, the first thing I feel we must recognize is that children are people first. All people (the Muslims that hit the towers, your neighbor infringing on your lawn) are people first. All Christians (which we hope our children will be) are brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the eternal state of our relationship with our children. This is the bottom line.
With that as the bottom line, I need to acknowledge that children have just as much right to live with others treating them with the "one anothers" of Scripture.
For example:
Love one another
Be kind and compassionate to one another
Bear with one another
Forgive one another
Be devoted to to one another
Outdo one another in showing honor
Encourage one another
And, something from Hebrews that I believe is apropos to the conversation:
Hebrews 10: 24 and 25a - "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. 25Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
We want to spur our children on toward love and good deeds - and there is no mention, at least not here, of spanking or holding your ground at all costs as a means of spurring on to good deeds. Instead, encouragement is mentioned. As an aside, how many times as an adult have you been motivated by another when they hit you or used physical violence or refused to listen? How many times have you been motivated by another when they used encouragement and kind words?
In the one anothers of Scripture there is nothing that talks about authority, nothing that encourages corporal punishment.
Even though this is the basis of our relationship with our children, and in my mind the most important part, we still need to look and see what Scripture says to parents and children.
As an aside, others have gone through the "rod" and "discipline" verses much more thoroughly than I ever could and have demonstrated (at least to my satisfaction) that they do not refer to spanking in the modern day sense. They are going to be left out of this discussion of authority, partially because they do not directly relate to authority and partially because they do not necessarily mean what is commonly believed.
Let's focus on the "household code" in Ephesians - chapter 6:1-4
1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”a
4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
First thing of note is that children are told to obey their parents in the Lord, to honor them. The promise of things going well and long life has always seemed to me to be a reference to how parents have much more life experience than their children and can show them the ways that will make their lives easier. I find it interesting that this promise is almost an explanation to children. One thing we were taught growing up is that Mom and Dad (especially Dad) are benevolent dictators and you do not need to question their reasoning. And yet, here in the 10 commandments, God provides a reason and a motivation for children to obey their parents.
The commandments to Fathers are to not exasperate, but to train and instruct. End story.
I did a word search for authority and for it's greek equivalent, exousia, and could not find any references to parents/children that involved the word authority.
Considering the above passage and the lack of authority mentioned in reference to parents and children, why are we so hung up on it? Is it Godly to be hung up on authority and who gets to be in charge, or is it because of our sinful nature that we are that way?
Sure, children are commanded to obey - and as we teach and instruct them that is one of the things we should teach and instruct. But are we ultimately responsible for enforcing their obedience by asserting our authority? Are we told in Scripture to enforce our authority? I am not convinced that we are. I find a lack of support for that idea in Scripture.
I have no problem with acknowledging that our responsibility for our children carries with it an aspect of authority - and I believe that authority is given by God.
I need to ask, when we disobey God, does that diminish His authority? Does it diminish His authority if He decides not to punish us, or even protects us from the consequences of our actions?
So when our children disobey, does it diminish our God given authority? Does it diminish our authority if we choose not to punish, or even protect our children from consequences?
Let me be clear - I am not advocating permissiveness. There is nothing wrong with saying no to your child. There is nothing wrong with laying clear boundaries. I lay boundaries with my children so they will be able to lay boundaries for themselves.
But do I feel like I must "win" or my authority is in question? I must "win" or else I am a bad parent?
Does God participate in stand-offs with us, His children, until He wins? Does He look at us continuously disobeying and say "I MUST WIN! Look at this, my children are making all these mistakes! I have to show them who is GOD!!!!!!"
That is absolutely totally ridiculous.
Jesus offered to us the most hope and the most love. And He had ultimate authority. His authority was genuine authority - one that does not need to assert itself. One that does not lord it over others. One that does not exasperate. His authority does not involve punishing His children - it involved TAKING their punishment for them.
If Jesus is our ultimate example in parenting, as in all areas of life, I must ask again...
WHY are we so obsessed with enforcing our authority and making sure no one takes it from us?
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